The Modern Major Jugglist by Jeremy Shafer

{To the music of The Modern Major General from Pirates of Penzance}

I am the very model of a modern major jugglist
I've juggled all the patterns, ugly, uglier and ugliest
I do the basic tricks and even those that I have trouble at
I earn my living when you put a piece of paper in my hat
I spy on other jugglers and steal tricks that are stealable
Then feed them to the crowds which I find are most agreeable
I love to gawk and giggle at the poor beginning juggling crew
Yet I can teach a klutz to juggle well within a year or two
Yes I can teach a klutz to juggle well within a year of two... etc.

Just like all other jugglers I've got no kind of social life
But I'll talk to you if you can juggle seven torches and a knife
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist

I juggle in the theater and I juggle in the laundromat
I juggle on occasion in the bathroom, you can ponder that
I'd juggle up in heaven for the gods and for the goddesses
I'd juggle for the rabbi but I'm sure that he'd say, "Vat iz 'zis
I've juggled to the repetitious music known a 'Heart and Soul'
I've juggled without dropping for the first half of the Super Bowl
I've juggled in the swimming pool and the San Francisco Bay
No doubt that I'll be juggling down the aisle on my wedding day
No doubt that I'll be juggling down the aisle on my wedding day... etc

For I can juggle anything and everything that's tossible
I'm not afraid of danger and I strive for the impossible
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist

I love to juggle eggs but only when they are unbreakable
I juggle sleeping babies only when they are unwakable
I love to ride my unicycle up into the Berkeley Hills
While glugging down a dose of Cappuccino mixed with sleeping pills
In fact when I have juggled boiling oil mixed with liquid coal
When I have juggled chainsaws while on stilts while on a telephone pole
In short, when I've done everything that wasn't done by any other
The Guiness Book of World Records will display me on its cover
The Guiness Book of World Records will display me on its cover... etc

For I try to make my street performing funny, free and innocent
Your kindly contribution of a dollar is magnificent
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist